


For The Team

by higher_space



Series: Why Does Everything Happen So Much [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A lot of pain, Angst, Break Up, College, I challenge you to find all the tumblr references, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Pain, They all need a hug, aged-up, based off of a song, character with bipolar disorder, drugs/alcohol, good luck lol, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6635806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/higher_space/pseuds/higher_space
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The taste of his lips had been many things. </p><p>His arms wrapped around me as we slept had made me smile.</p><p>The way he would whisper a sleepy "I love you" into my ear when he first woke up.</p><p>They had been many things.</p><p>I never realized they were poison.<br/>---<br/>i wrote this fic a long while ago while in a bad place! so i wholehearted apologize for the way mental illness is portrayed in this work. trigger warnings for attempted suicide, drugs, suicidal thoughts, and not really a lot of good stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And You Said I'll Be Your New Friend

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends im back with more pain and suffering™ so this is a continuation of Mistakes Like This. i might write some more fics that are happier in the one year timeskip between MLT and FTT so yeah enjoy
> 
> and no this is not a reference to 'free!'

I was so in love. He had opened up, and loved everything so much more than before. Honestly, I was so happy. He smiled more, and more, and he never touched a cigarette, his lips never touched the bottles of liquor. We held hands and kissed under the cherry blossoms. Our mistakes had finally been erased by what I, graciously, _foolishly_ , had believed was true love.  
  
It was the best year of my life. Unfortunately, we were not immortals, we were not unchanging, we were the perfect match, and perhaps that's why our flames burned out so quickly.  
  
The box was in my hand--the box was so small, and only held one thing, but it would change my life, and his. I came home early, my feet slipping soundlessly into the familiar air of OUR apartment.   
  
Today had been agonizing, and anxiety gnawed away at me. Was this really the right place? Yes. Tsukki wouldn't want a big deal made out of it.  
  
So, I had decided to get it over with. I blasted in the door to what used to be Tsukki's room, that had now been transformed into an office space since slept in the same room now.   
  
My smile faltered and disbelief choked me.   
  
God dammit, no this _cannot_ be possible.  
  
Tsukishima Kei's lips were pressed against Kuroo Tetsurou's. They were both against the wall, and they were all over each other.  
  
 _No. This couldn't be real._ _  
_  
Memories of the past flashed through my vision.  
  
I knew Kuroo and Tsukki had been friends, but even an idiot could see how into each other they were from the way they were kissing. For an unbearable thirty seconds, they didn't notice. _Tsukki always noticed_.  
  
Tsukishima, the man who, despite all his bitterness and sharp words, had always heard me. Always. He had always been surprisingly loyal. I never doubted anything about him. I _loved_ him.   
  
So, why? Why did it take thirty seconds for the love of my life to push off the man he was pressed up against? Why did it take him almost a minute to finally call my name?   
  
I felt the tiny black box that held our future together slip from my fingers. I made no move to catch it. All I could do was look at those dazed golden eyes and wonder what I ever did to cause this.  
  
"Tadashi, I'm--" Tears were threatening to spill over, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I bolted. I let myself think that maybe Tsukishima would feel the same worry and panic as me when he abandoned me.  
  
I wasn't abandoning him, though. The image of his hands tangled in Kuroo's messy bedhead was imprinted on my eyelids as I blinked away tears. _He already abandoned me._ _  
_  
I didn't know where I was running, but suddenly I was on the streets. The winter winds stung the tears in my eyes. Everything was a blur, everything was gone, everything was...  
  
I was shocked back into reality when my foot landed on a pile of slush as I made a frantic turn. I crashed into the frigid asphalt, face first. I gasped for air, but suddenly I was hyperventilating. I could feel blood dripping from my forehead, and my stomach knotted up.   
  
I was in an alleyway, in a place I didn't recognize. There were hardly any people milling around the streets, and those that did looked wary.   
  
_W-where am I?_  
  
I rolled onto my back and sat up, pushing myself against the damp alleyway wall. I had always been a bit clumsy, Tsukki was the one who had always caught me, though.   
  
_Tsukki?_  
  
My phone was a few feet from the opening of the alleyway, vibrating. I was getting countless texts, all ranging from "Please come back, Tadashi!" to "It didn't mean anything!"  
  
The world was a flash of confused colours, and maybe I began to think that I prefered the monotone.   
  
I remembered a psychology class--months ago, now. Psychology had always caught my interest, and learning little quirks just seemed genuinely cool. This particular class was about how people tended to fall out of love with someone for the exact reasons they fell in love.  
  
Perhaps my kindness was coming off as weakness, and my dedication was turning into blunt stubbornness.  
  
The texts flooded my screen; if any other time Tsukki showed this much worry, I would've been ecstatic, bordering on hysterics.  
  
Now, here, in this alleyway, an open wound full of grit on my forehead, having a mild panic attack. I was starting to close up my emotions. I jammed my phone hastily in my jacket pocket and slid up against the wall, in an attempt to stand.   
  
I hadn't noticed the gash on my lower leg. Shit. I almost fell back over, but managed to grit my teeth and push the pain away. The initial adrenaline was fading, leaving nothing but fatigue. I glanced down, at an attempt to inspect the wound. I would gladly accept the distraction of physical pain, rather than acknowledge the mental remorse and confusion that was threatening to explode inside me.  
  
It looked a bit messy, but it wasn't deep at all. _I'll just have to go home._ _  
_  
But where was home? I couldn't--I honestly couldn't bring myself to think about heading back to my apartment.  
  
Where even was I? The sketchier part of town, sure, but that's not very specific. I leaned against the alleyway wall and peered out. There was only one street sign I could see, and it was graffitied out. I was pretty sure that was illegal.   
_  
__What the hell is going on?_ _I should’ve just stayed and waited for an explanation--_ _  
_  
I knew I would start panicking soon, so I  started walking. I was pretty sure I had been running west, so I'll just go east. Yeah. That's it. _Calm down, Tadashi._ _  
_  
I struggled along the grungy, dank streets. Some of the few people that littered the streets stopped to cast a judgemental glare my way. I stiffened, but managed to ignore them. I was used to eyes looking at me, judging me, from holding hands with Tsukki in public. I was going to be fine.  
  
The dread inside only began to grow when I had no idea where I was. Gray, grungy streets and run-down bars spread out around me in every direction. As soon as I saw a bench that wasn't plastered in a solid inch of gum, and other things I'd rather not think about, I gratefully collapsed onto it.  
  
My phone vibrated in my pocket. _Wait? My phone._ I was an idiot. I ripped it out of my pocket. It was an alarm to remember that my favourite TV show was starting in 15 minutes. That was currently the least of my worries.  
  
With shaking, exhausted hands, I unlocked my phone and scrolled through my contacts.   
  
_Yachi Hitoka._  
  
I hadn't texted her in a while, but they both went to the same college and I remember her mentioning that she lived somewhere on the west side. We were good friends for a while, but didn't share many courses.  
  
I fumbled with a few buttons and managed to hold the phone up to my ear. It rang once, twice, three times, and my hope plummeted with each pause. I felt so completely wasted and far from my usual warm persona.  
  
"Yamaguchi?" My eyes widened in surprise and I was frozen for several moments. I hadn't planned out what I was going to say. I honestly didn't think she would pick up.  
  
"Uh...I-I got into a bit of trouble and I'm lost somewhere around..." I glanced around my bland surroundings, and my eyes rested on a street sign. I repeated the name into my phone.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Uh, are you okay, Yamaguchi? You sound pretty shaken. I haven’t heard from you in a while, either."  
  
I could feel tears threaten to push over. I guess this is what getting your heart broken felt like. It was shit.   
  
"I'll tell you about it when I see you." There was a slight pause on Yachi's end. "I'll be over in 15 or so minutes. Stay put."  
  
The line silenced as she hung up. Somehow, I felt even more drained. I was content to lean into the bench. I  was close to falling asleep in the late dusk light.   
  
A small car rounded a corner and skidded to a stop. The door opened and a petite figure stepped out. " _Yamaguchi_?"  
  
That woke me up from my daze. I pushed off the bench, but as soon as I put weight on my leg, it gave out. I bit back an undignified yelp of pain, but Yachi spotted me and rushed to my aid.  
  
She was studying to be a nurse, I remembered. She was always a bit squeamish around blood before, but from the streetlights' faint haze, I could see utter determination.  
  
"What did you do to yourself?!"  
  
She pulled my arm over her small shoulders, taking the weight off my leg as she lead me to the door. I probably looked pretty messed up, because she didn't push it. As soon as I was buckled into the passenger seat, we started driving without a word.  
  
Seconds turned into minutes, and the blonde broke the silence. __"Which way's your apartment?" she asked softly, any hint of panic left behind. I stifled a look of horror.   
  
"Umm… Can I crash at your place for a bit, instead?"  
"Only if you promise to explain what's going on in the morning."  
I let out a relieved sigh, as quietly as possible. 

“Okay.”   
  
Everything afterwards was a blur.   



	2. Because It's Summer After All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my dudes, this series now has a playlist on youtube !!! it's some cool indie electronica stuff (feat. panic! and oh wonder, too)
> 
> here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XqG5RRo-_k3BGgyc2mzi8AF4DqDwjNZ
> 
> also it's my life goal for someone to make fan art for one of my fics... so... if any of you guys would love me enough to make me art I would write an entire fanfic for you pls

I had fallen in love with my best friend.  
  
It had happened a long time ago, when we were just teenagers foolishly wasting our youth. I loved everything about him.  
  
Or at least, I thought I did.  
  
The world was brighter than it had ever been, and I saw paths where I went. So, I took one.  
  
I ended up in a bar. I had promised Yamaguchi I would never find myself in one again, but I missed it. A tiny part of me longed for the burn of whiskey in my throat.  
  
After a few shots, I started playing pool with a bunch of people I never planned on seeing ever again. They were average, at best. I was pretty sure if I kept on smirking every time they messed up I was going to get decked, but they were just so pitiful. Somethings just _needed_ my bitterness.  
  
That was, until, a black-haired mess stumbled in.  
  
I recognized him. He was one of Hinata's weird friends… but he was more than that. There were things about him I’d rather not mention. Bad history.  We'd never actually talked much, at least in the last year. I could feel his eyes burning into me as I leaned into the pool table and lined up my shot.  
  
It was unnerving, but, fortunately, I have nerves of steel.  
  
_Clack_.  
  
The cue knocked against the final striped ball, sending it directly into a pocket in the far corner. I straightened up, and kept my cool even though I could feel eyes burning into the back of my head.  
  
"Sorry boys, better luck next time." The two younger guys looked pissed that I had wiped the table with them. It really was their fault for challenging me, I didn't see why they were so angry.  
  
I placed my pool stick next to the extras on the wall, and waltzed away to the pair of eyes that had been burning into me.  
  
He was leaned up against the counter, a shot of tequila placed in front of him. I sat down next to him. My arm brushed his, and I could've sworn a smirk brushed his features for a short second.  
  
"Kuroo-san, is there a reason you were watching me?"  
  
"Oh?" He didn't attempt to return eye contact, he kept his head bowed, but I knew he was smirking. This was a manipulative guy, so much was obvious to anyone who wasn't an idiot. Any shred of fabricated respect I had was torn away. I had to be on edge.

  
  
"Don't fuck with me. What the hell do you want?" Ice laced my tone.

 

“Ohoho, no need to be so up-front, Tsukki.” It was a playful phrase. I almost flinched at the use of my nickname. Only Yamaguchi used that nickname. 

 

“If you don’t have anything to say, I have better places to be.” I spoke briskly, brushing off Kuroo. Pushing out my seat, I stalked my way towards the door. I heard the sound of a glass hitting the counter, and footsteps following. I grimaced and hurried out.

 

As soon as I exited, the choking odor of alcohol was wiped away by the frosty air. The moon sat low on the horizon, barely visible through the mishmash of thick clouds. I did quite miss the summer. I stopped for a second to straighten my glasses, and to check my phone.

 

 **Tadash** **i** : where r u?? _[Sent 8:48pm]_

 **Tadashi** : oh well its fine im sure ur busy!! i picked up some american food!! I know it’s not your favourite but burgers are cool !!! _[Sent 9:28pm]_

 **Tadashi** : so are french fries… !! _[Sent 9:29pm]_

 **Tadashi** : seriously kei im gonna eat the cake i bought 4 us   _[Sent 10:42pm]_

A smile graced my features for a few seconds, but dulled when the light of a taxi flashed by. I texted back a quick reply.

_To_ **Tadashi** : sorry i’ve been out so long. Gotta  run some errands. See you soon. _[Sent 11:23pm]_

As I slipped my phone back into my pocket, I stepped across the sidewalk, preparing to hail a cab. Suddenly, a strong hand grabbed my wrist. I stiffened, and prepared to throw a punch. “Tsukki, we need to talk.” The deep voice was quiet, but absolute. I knew I couldn’t avoid this.

I turned around in one fluid movement, forcing Kuroo back several steps. “What the hell do you want?” I spat through gritted teeth.

“We have unfinished business.” He looked me directly in the eye. He was serious.

“I have a boyfriend now, leave me alone.”

“Tsukishima, you and I were together, and you just abandoned me.”

I was getting angry, but I knew anger wouldn’t solve this. _Keep your calm, Tsukishima._

“It was for a _month_. It was my first relationship. I’ve found something better now.”

Kuroo was in deep thought. “I-”

“Don’t tell me you want to get back together. Tetsurou, I swear to god-” I had to stop myself there. My voice was rising, and I knew I was going to fall into hysterics. I couldn’t deny that at the time I did have feelings for Kuroo, but that was _years_ ago. We hadn’t even made contact in six months. He was just some guy who started hitting on me at a party, and he was a really good kisser. That was all. I didn’t--I _don’t_ want anything else.

“I’m serious.” It was all he said. It was simple. God dammit, how did he know how to combat all the shit I say so well.

“I don’t want anything you have to offer, Kuroo.” It was back to an icy tone. I turned towards the street, ready to hail a cab, when Kuroo grabbed me and threw me against the stone wall that was the bar. “What the fu--” HIs lips were suddenly on mine, and I didn’t know how to react.

This was… so much different than what It’s like with Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi was warm, and caring. He always waited for me. Kuroo was the polar opposite. He was pressed up against me and Jesus Christ, he was strong. I found my hands tangled in his hair, and I have no idea how it happened, but suddenly, I kissed back. Seconds later, he pulled back, looking me dead in the eye.

“I’m serious.” He grabbed my phone from my coat pocket, and typed something into it, before handing it back, and stalking away. I was dazed.

_Did that really happen?_

____

I somehow managed to hail a cab and make my way up all the stairs back to our apartment. Thankfully, I hadn’t had much alcohol, and I wasn’t drunk. Yamaguchi would’ve had a panic attack if I stumbled in blindly.

I knocked once softly, hardly expecting an answer. When I was met with silence, perhaps my heart sunk, just a bit. I was exhausted, and my brain was a flurry of mixed emotions and really all I wanted was to watch a shitty movie and cuddle with Yamaguchi.

I pushed open the door, and shuffled in, trying to stay silent. I took a shaky breath and shut the door behind me. I hovered for a few seconds, dropping off my old black jacket, and slipping off my shoes. I walked down the hall, to find the TV on, but the lights surrounding off. The volume was muted, but images of some popular comedy show flickered continuously. All I could see was the back of his head, but it looked like my roommate was asleep on the couch.

“Yamaguchi?” I instantly regretted it. Yamaguchi did not appreciate getting woken up.

“Tsukki?” He stood up, and turned. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He looked right at me, a sleepy smile crossing his face.

I realized then, how much he had changed.

He wasn’t the same skinny boy was he was a year ago. He wore an old black shirt, from one of his favourite American bands. It was faded, and years old, but I had distinct memories of him wearing it. It used to be loose on his small frame. He had been pettit. Now, I could see the outlines of muscles through it. He had an old blue quilt draped over his shoulders. His freckles had faded a bit, but they were still there. His hair was longer too. Sometimes he even would pull it back in a bun. Secretly, I didn’t mind. He had more defined features.

His smile still didn’t change.  

Or, perhaps it did.

His eyes twinkled more. He didn’t blush as much as he used to. He looked, more relaxed. He looked happy.

“I ate all the cake.” He was obviously tired, and didn't mean much. Who knew such a simple phrase could make me smile?

He pursed his lips, as if he was about to comment on my sudden outburst of emotions, but decided against it. “Uhh… I think there’s a _Pirates of the Caribbean_ marathon going on… want to watch some of it with me?”

“You bet.” I agreed, breathlessly. Yamaguchi shuffled back to the sofa, a look of incredulity quickly vanished from his face when I gratefully flopped down next to him. Out of habit, I presumed, he slung his arm over my narrow shoulders, and pulled me closer. His hair brushed my jaw as he propped his head on my shoulder. A small smile graced his face. It was almost enough to distract me from the thought of that black-haired nightmare.

When he pressed a kiss to my lips, I was happy. That’s how it worked. I needed tp stop doubting my emotions, but honestly, I was confused.

I loved Yamaguchi. That’s how it was.

Why was it that as I sat pressed up against him, a blanket over our shoulders, all I could think of was Kuroo Tetsurou?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is what Yamaguchi's shirt is, if you're wondering: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/2a/bb/11/2abb117e2d4ff161d0ef1ed96d24b087.jpg
> 
> also sorry for this chapter being really cheesy yik e
> 
> \- pain and suffering™


	3. We Will Soon Be Stuck In Fall and I Might...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha I wrote most of this at 2am and it's pretty brutal ngl.
> 
> the song of the day is "somebody that I used to know"
> 
> link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0

**_The Following Events Take Place Several Weeks_  ** **_After the Events of Last Chapter_ **

  
Kuroo and I met up sometimes. I didn’t think it was enough to actually enough to call it cheating. I did smile when he sent me a text with his stupid cat emoticons. I did enjoy his stupid jokes.   
  
I was so _ungrateful_ .   
  
Yamaguchi worked hard, he had a job, and he went to classes, not to mention the time he spent at the gym. I only got to see him late at night, or at the first light of dawn before he headed to the library to study. He was so busy. He was all I ever needed. Unfortunately for humans, want is stronger than _need._   
  
One day, I got home early. Yamaguchi had an evening shift. Kuroo came over.   
  
I didn’t think anything bad would come from it. Kuroo and I were just making out. It wasn’t like it was out of the ordinary.   
  
I didn’t hear the door open. I didn’t hear the quiet _“I’m home, Tsukki!”_ I didn’t hear him call my name a second time. I didn’t hear his quiet footsteps as he made his way to the door. I didn’t even see him when he stepped into the same room as me. I didn’t see the luminous smile on his face.   
  
What I did see was his smile fall and shatter. I pushed Kuroo back. All my attention was on Yamaguchi.   
  
_There was no way he could be here._ _  
_   
Yet, there he stood. A few feet away from me, I could see him, shaking. Disbelief was written over his face. There were tears beginning to form in his eyes, but he look stunned more than anything. That was the worst. Watching him process what was going on.   
  
_Betrayed._ _  
_   
It was only moments later when he met my eyes and I felt his panic, his fear. Suddenly, something hit the floor. I broke my eye contact to catch a glimpse of it. Before I could even react, Yamaguchi darted out the door. I tried to call out but my voice failed.   
  
I was stunned. My eyes wouldn’t leave the doorway where Yamaguchi stood. I couldn’t believe this.   
  
_I caused this._   


  
“Tsukki, are you okay…?” I had already forgotten about Kuroo when I took a stumbled step and collapsed onto the floor. All my attention was consumed by that tiny black box. I felt tears in my eyes as I gently picked up the box. I already knew what was inside.   
  
_“No, no, no, no.”_ I whispered. It was a chant. A mantra.   
  
I choked up and my fingers closed around the box. I was crying now. I couldn't deny it.   
  
Sadness? That was an emotion I understood. I gripped the box that undoubtedly held a ring, that held _our futures._ Rage blinded me.   
  
Anger wasn't something I felt a lot. Frustration? Definitely. Disappointment? Every day.   
  
When I stood up in a slow, fluid movement, and slipped the box into my pocket, I didn't realize I was shaking. I couldn't hear anything besides blood pumping in my ears.   
  
I turned abruptly, facing Kuroo.   
  
_“Tsukishima?”_ I read his lips.   
  
I didn't care.   
  
I stepped forward and I gripped Kuroo's shirt collar, throwing him against the wall. Just minutes ago, it had been almost the same thing. Now, any shred of romance was replaced with tension.   
  
Anger was something I tried to stay well away from. It made you annoying and weak. All your emotions spilled out through it. I couldn't stop it right now.   
  
Kuroo's features hardened as I looked down on him. It wasn't just my height that made me tower above him right now.   
  
_“I can’t believe you tricked me into fucking doing this!"_ The words left my mouth, but left a bitter aftertaste. I was seething with anger.   
  
Kuroo set his jaw, and furrowed his brow, he was biting back a cold retort.   
  
"You asked for it."   
_"What?"_   
  
I my voice dripped with incredulity.   
  
"You're the one who grabbed me and kissed me that night. You're the one who started this!" Venom laced my tone, though it was lost by how loud my voice was.   
  
I could still hear my blood pumping and my chest was heaving.   
  
"Tsukishima," Kuroo looked up and met my eyes, "it was you who called back. It was you who started it. Yes, I did bring it back. But," Kuroo stepped forward. I took step back subconsciously. Kuroo straightened to his full height, and suddenly he grabbed my shoulder, pulling me forward. His lips were millimetres from my ear.   
  
_"You were the one who wanted it."_   
  
The words hardly passed his lips before I stiffened, all my anger gone, replaced with uncontrollable emotions. Suddenly, the heat of Kuroo's body was gone. I vaguely heard the footsteps receding.   
  
For the second time today, I heard the door slam shut behind a person I loved.   
  
And it was all my fault.

  
And I just let them both go.   
  
I felt numb, and next thing I knew, I was a mess on the floor. I sobbed but no tears came. I felt so cold.   
  
Everything was gray once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is chapter "2.5" because I'm stupid and forgot to add this to last chapter. a full chapter will probably be added sometime later tonight?? it's almost done.


	4. Wonder Where You've Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to apologize for this chapter:.)
> 
> here's a like if you want some musical ambience: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XqG5RRo-_k3BGgyc2mzi8AF4DqDwjNZ

I woke up with an ache in my head. Well, I wasn’t sure if you could even call it awake. My face was pressed into a pillow and I pulled the blankets draped over me even closer. I rolled over slightly, and was met with the edge of the couch.

 

_ “SHIT!” _ I shrieked as my blanket-covered self plummeted an entire foot and a half to the carpeted floor. 

 

_ “Yamaguchi?!” _ I heard a concerned voice from several rooms away. I was completely awake at this point. Dazed, but awake. I untangled myself from the mess of brightly-patterned quilts, and tried to reorient myself by standing up. 

 

I was in a warmly-lit living room. It smelled like...lavender. I pushed my long hair out of my face. My hand caught on the bandage around my head and I was jolted out of lavender-scented peace back to the real world. My heart ached, and I took in a deep breath in an attempt to clear it. 

 

“Are you okay, Yamaguchi?” The higher voice echoed in my ears, and I turned around to meet it. Yachi stood at the door of the living room, evening light from the bay window made her complexion glow and her blonde hair become a luminous gold. 

 

Yachi had changed a lot since we first met. It wasn't just her short, cropped hair, but she was a lot more confident now. She gave off a friendly vibe, and she was confident. She also looked like a beautiful goddess. I, however, probably looked like a emotionally-ruined twenty-two year old. 

 

“I patched you up and cleaned out your cuts. You might want some fresh air, but don't overdo it. I have evening shift at work, and I have to leave in five minutes.” I still hadn't said a word, just continued looking at her. She looked a bit flustered. “I have to go.” She brushed off my gaze with a quick smile and dashed out the door.

 

Seconds later, the sound of the front door echoed throughout Yachi’s small house.

 

I walked around the couch Yachi had somehow managed to get me on, and gazed out the bay window. Yachi lived in an agricultural area with lots of parks. The city transitioned from grunge to tiger lilies surprisingly quick.

 

The sun wasn't as low as I originally thought. It couldn't have been later than three in the afternoon. I suddenly wondered how I managed to sleep for so long. Then again, who knows what time Yachi even picked me up at? 

 

My eyes landed on a small park across the street. There was a couple sitting on a bench, holding hands, as they watched their kid chase around a shiba dog. The kid couldn't have been older than five, and he looked like he was having the time of his life. The dog stopped running and turned to lick the boy’s face. He dissolved into giggles.

 

I smiled a bit. The couple looked happy, too. They both watched with wide smiles on their faces as the kid wrapped his arms around the dog and gave it a big hug.

 

I felt a tinge of bitter sadness. For a few minutes, I watched the scenario, unsure of why I was sad.

 

It was longing. 

 

I couldn't help but imagine Tsukki and I sitting on that bench, our fingers intertwined, just like the couple. I tried to stop myself from imagining a child who we could call ours play. I tried to stop myself from wanting all of this. 

 

I couldn't. I really couldn't.

 

I couldn’t lie to myself like this.

 

\-----

 

I managed to hail a taxi and with the small amount of money still in my jacket, pay for a ride back to…  _ the  _ apartment. I couldn’t bring myself to call it  _ ours. _

 

I held back the burn of tears and bittersweet memories as I walked the long hallway to the elevator. I always took the stairs. I always had.

 

It felt strange as I stepped inside the small space, and classical music whispered in the background. Memories of the same songs tugged at the back of my brain. 

 

It was Christmas. Neither Tsukki or I had enough time to take the drive to meet our families. We kept ourselves company. I came home from work late on Christmas Eve. As soon as I stepped inside, the smell of cinnamon warmed me. I slipped off my thick winter coat, and as soon as I set down my bag, Tsukki was there. He smiled warmly, and in the dim lighting, I had never seen someone so beautiful.

 

Classical music played in the background as my boyfriend handed me a mug of warm eggnog, and pulled me along to sit on the couch. We sat pressed up together, all the cold and snow from the trek back from work was gone. The moment seemed to last forever. Tsukki propped his head on my shoulder and I would be lying if I said he didn’t look adorable. I could’ve dozed off. Everything was so warm and lighthearted.

 

Our Christmas tree was pitiful. I picked it up at some cheap hardware store a few weeks ago and put some old decorations on it. For us, it was perfect. 

 

The warm colours of Christmas lights lit up our small apartment. Tsukki grabbed my hand and pulled me up as soon as I set down my empty mug. Suddenly, we were dancing. His hands were on my hips and mine were around his neck. We weren’t the best dancers, but it didn’t matter. We swayed along to the classical music. Tsukki never liked Christmas songs. They were all too over the top, and Akiteru had never held back from singing along at full volume whenever it started snowing. He probably had some bad flashbacks whenever he heard the songs.

 

We took soft steps in the multicoloured light of our living room. Tsukki pulled me close and rested his forehead against mine. I felt a smile tug across our lips. I don’t think I ever felt so warm during winter. Then, he started singing, well humming, a simple song. It has blissful.

 

I was jolted back to reality by the harsh beep of the elevator. The smile that had unknowingly slipped onto my face was ripped away. 

 

The elevator doors opened, and I trudged out, leaving my happy thoughts behind.

 

The walk down the halls was shorter than I had hoped, and in what seemed like moments, I was standing at the doorway. I felt my breathing grow faster, and suddenly I felt like I might have a panic attack.  _ No. No, I need to do this. _

 

I raised my shaking hand to the lock and pressed the key into in. In a long second, the door had opened with a quiet click. I hesitated for another moment, taking in a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down.

 

I burst in. I had originally intended to be diplomatic but now it was brute force. That’s what I needed to confront Tsukki.

 

I slammed the door behind me, and made my way into the main room. I didn't even have to look as I walked down the unilluminated hall.

 

The living room looked untouched. I wasn't sure if I expected something else. Well, maybe I did. Maybe I do. I wanted to know that Tsukki had at least put up a fight.

 

“Kei?” My mouth wasn't used to saying his given name. It felt wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to so fondly call him  _ Tsukki. _

 

“Y-Yamaguchi?” The blond’s voice was audible from the other room. My heart skipped a brief beat. I could’ve sworn I heard something in his voice. 

 

It was all wiped away when he stepped into the living room. His hair was wet, and he looked like he had just gotten out of the shower, especially with what looked like a hasty dressing job. I could see how guarded his expression was. It had been so long since he had looked at me like that. He had the same arrogant air and harsh glare as he had for so long. 

 

It might not seem like much to most people. Tsukishima Kei was a cynical person. But to  _ me,  _ it hurt so much. He had always softened and been so kind to me. 

 

We stood frozen, yet making eye contact. I tried to find a shred of  _ something  _ in his eyes. I wanted a sign that he was faking it. There was nothing I could see. I couldn’t take it. I broke eye contact.

 

“Yamaguchi, why are you here?” His blunt tone ripped through the silent atmosphere, but the growing tension remained. I was quiet for a moment. 

 

“I-” I took a breath. “I want to know why you were with Kuroo Tetsurou.” I was starting to panic under Tsukishima’s harsh glare.

 

“Why I was making out with him? That’s what you want to know?” His jarring tone was laced with the venom he hadn’t used on me in so long. 

 

“Yes, I do want to know.”

 

He smirked at me.  _ He smirked. _ I was filled with anger.

 

“I want to know why you were making out with him in  _ our  _ apartment. I want to know why you didn’t even stop when I showed up. I want to know why you didn’t  _ just tell me _ you found someone else! Jesus Christ, _ I was going to marry you!” _ I was breathing heavily, and using all my willpower to not cry. I managed to not sound hysterical. I think.

 

_ “Tsukki?” _ The bewildered voice cut through the looming muteness.  _ Kuroo. _

 

“It’s fine, Kuroo. You don’t need to come out.” Tsukishima’s bland tone didn’t seem to convince Kuroo, because he poked out his head. His black hair was dripping water everywhere and it looked like more of a mess than I remembered. I was also sure he was shirtless. I wasn’t an idiot. I could put two and two together, as I saw Tsukishima in his matching soaked state.

 

“I can tell when I’m not wanted, Tsukishima. I’ll come get my things later.” I matched the blond’s bitter tone.

 

I proceeded to turn my back and walk out of  _ their  _ apartment. 

 

I left any dreams of a happy life with Tsukishima Kei at the door I slammed shut.

  
I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey kids... ever heard of.. shower sex,,,?
> 
> im sorry but the next chapter is from tsukki's point of view and it's quite possibly even sadder than this one


	5. Because Tomorrow Is A Promise That Will Break When It Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i cried my way through writing most of this. it's a parallel of last chapter from tsukki's perspective.
> 
> this chapter's song is "how did I get here" by ODESZA.
> 
> as always, here the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XqG5RRo-_k3BGgyc2mzi8AF4DqDwjNZ or "Why Does Everything Happen So Much [Soundtrack]" on youtube
> 
> have fun with your weekly pain and suffering™

I felt numb.

 

It had been hours since I had made the second biggest mistakes in my entire life.

 

Kuroo’s voice still echoed in my ears as I lay on the cold tile floor of the apartment. It was empty now. Quiet. I hadn’t moved since the two people I loved stormed out. I hadn’t moved since I kicked out the two people I loved most.

 

The clock by the TV read 9:21am, from what I could make it out through unseeing eyes.

 

I tried to push myself up but my arms gave out and I slumped back on the floor yet again. I hadn’t even slept all night. I just kept replaying the scene over and over. Yamaguchi came in, and I saw the light leave his face. I saw the utter panic. And I  _ felt it. _ I couldn’t even bring myself to cry anymore. It was like I was in shock.

 

Shock. 

 

That was an interesting concept. It was when the human brain was just so full of shit that it just stopped circulating blood correctly. It just broke and you began to shut down. Yeah, that’s about how I felt.

 

My glasses were somewhere across the floor, and I could hardly see anything. I gripped the small black box in my hand for the umpteenth time. It was all I had to anchor myself. A voice in the back of my head whispered that it wasn’t real either. All of the feelings of love had left it.

 

I couldn’t even stand up. I was a total  _ mess. _

 

 _How goddamn pathetic am I?_ I couldn’t even control myself enough to stay with one person. I might as well die _._

 

Those thoughts echoed in my skull.

 

I just hurt people. That’s all I had ever done. I had tried to hide that fact by being nice to Yamaguchi. I just wanted to be a good person for _ him. _

 

How did I even manage to fuck it up that badly?

 

This wasn’t even the first time. My memories flashed back to the raging winds on the rooftop all those months ago.

 

I was such a burden. I could’ve  _ killed  _ Yamaguchi. I wish I jumped. Yamaguchi wouldn’t have had to deal with all my shit. He could’ve lived his life, and found someone who was actually worth his time.

 

I smiled grimly at the thought of falling off the rooftop. The wind would bite, but it would be beautiful. A poetic end to such a mess like me. I really should’ve just taken that last step. Instead, I managed to drag Yamaguchi into it all with me. After all he did for me, I put him through  _ more. _

 

“I really am a horrible person…” Everyone would agree with that. 

 

_ A pathetic, complaining burden. _ That seems about right, I mused.

 

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. It was in my back pocket. I managed to retrieve it with shaking, stiff hands.

 

**Cat fucker:** okay tsukki i’m sorry. i feel like shit for what i said to you. im not saying i was wrong,, but i was overstepping my bounds. i just want to know if ur okay  _ [Sent: 9:32am] _

 

My eyes stayed fixated on the letters that decorated my phone screen. I couldn’t comprehend them. It vibrated again and another text joined the first one.

 

**Cat fucker:** thats it im coming over you asshole i will forcefeed u eggos  _ [Sent 9:34am] _

 

I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. Why was Kuroo being so nice? It was obviously all my fault.

 

**Cat fucker:** okay asshole ill be over in 10 minutes please dont be dead or anything that would be kind of awkward for the both of us _ [Sent 9:35am] _

 

I was completely and utterly dumbfounded. Why would he even want to see me? That was stupid.

 

I couldn’t work up the nerve to tell him that it was fine and he didn’t have to come over. _ Holy shit, that’s pathetic. _

 

I tried to stand up again, or at least get over to the couch. My limbs were all asleep and numb, and I was exhausted. I let out a laboured breath. I doubt I could even do a single push up. I had to try. I pulled with as much strength as I could muster, but pain ripped through my arms and I collapsed. _ How helpless am I? Fucking useless. _

 

A couple more minutes of staring at the ceiling with the ring box in my hand passed, and suddenly there was a knock at the door.

 

“Kuroo?” At least, that’s what I tried to say. My voice was strangled and it sounded more like a painful wheeze.

 

“What the fuck, the door’s not even locked.”  

 

The voice was unmistakable. It was one of the voices I had heard over and over for hours on end unrelentlessly. Now, it was oddly calm. There was no echoing cold fury.

 

A few seconds after his entrance, I saw Kuroo’s outline, vague and blurred by my eyesight. “Kuroo..?” My voice cracked again, and I could  _ feel  _ the fear wash over him as his eyes undoubtedly registered my current situation.

 

“Holy shit, are you okay?” His tone was genuinely concerned. 

 

Before I could respond, his silhouette moved, and a few seconds later my glasses were in my hands. I almost dropped them, but managed to put them on. The world was a terrifying now. I could remember every accent of colour from mere days ago in this room. Now, it was like someone had turned the contrast all the up on an old photograph. Everything was a terrifying black that seemed to suck up any light. I hadn’t realized it with my impaired vision, but now the sheer reality hit me. I felt like I was drowning in a void. I suddenly couldn’t even remember what it was like to see colour, and I felt my chest rising and falling faster than it should have. I couldn’t hear anything, all I could do was get lost in the darkness. It was all that I could see, and I was shaking more than before. My skin was freezing.

 

I felt my arm move, and suddenly I wasn’t lying on the floor. I blinked a bit and realized that Kuroo had throw my arm over his shoulders, and he was trying to carry me. “For a guy your size, you really aren’t that heavy.” 

 

Kuroo’s voice was the only noise I could hear. I was completely frozen. Suddenly, my feet left the ground.

 

“I’m not your wife.” My voice sounded tiny and frail. I felt Kuroo laugh. I was pressed up against his chest as he carried me bridal style. He was warm. My heart was still beating frantically, but I managed to slow my breathing. 

 

I felt blind. Everything around me was a fog of ink.

 

Kuroo’s steps stopped abruptly, and I felt a bed below me. As quickly as it had come, Kuroo’s heat was gone. I heard the door creak. “Don’t go…” My voice cracked, and I knew I sounded pathetic, but I couldn’t bear being alone in the dark anymore. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

The mattress buckled under Kuroo’s weight as he lay down beside me.

 

After a few seconds of silence, his voice rings out once again.

 

“What happened?” His voice was soft. How could he be so accepting? I outright blamed everything on him a day ago.

 

I wasn’t sure where to start. I wasn’t even sure if  _ I  _ knew what was going on.

 

“I… I can’t see anything.” My voice was still raspy. “It’s all black. I can see some hints of light, but… it’s all black, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.” Kuroo was silent, so I, albeit reluctantly, continued.

 

“As soon as I messed everything up and pushed you and Yamaguchi away… I just felt like shit.” My voice caught in my throat. “It’s all my fault. I don’t even deserve to have you here.” A second passed, and in a quieter voice, I added “I don’t even deserve to still be alive.” 

 

I hadn’t realized I was ranting until I was out of breath. 

 

“Tsukki, you don’t need to blame yourself. It was my fault for pressuring you.” I felt doubt from that statement boil inside of me. He stopped, then restarted.

 

“Tsukki, you don’t need to blame yourself. I had no clue you felt that way, and there’s no reason you should. God, I was an idiot for getting in your way. You do deserve to live. I don’t know you well enough - I shouldn’t be the one to say this.” He took in a shaky breath. “I-it should be Yamaguchi. I never should’ve forced you into this. Yamaguchi, I’ve seen the way he sees you. You are his light. If you can’t live for yourself, think of how he would feel if you _ died. _ You saw his face when he saw you and I. He thought he  _ lost  _ you. It wasn’t the face of someone who blamed you. He blames himself. If you died, if  _ you killed yourself, _ don’t you think it would be even worse than cheating on him a hundred times over? He would blame himself for every little thing he thought led you to this. He would torture himself. He would  _ die for you, _ Tsukishima.

 

“If you can’t live for yourself, than live for him”

 

I was speechless. 

 

“I’ll be back soon. Go to sleep, Tsukishima.”

 

Kuroo’s heat disappeared, and I realized how exhausted I was. My eyelids were heavier than I could believe, but my brain still whirred at what I had just heard. I felt sleep overtake me.

 

\----

 

My eyes blinked open when I heard the creak of the door. My glasses were still on my face, but I frantically moved to push them up. I blinked a few more times, then pushed myself up to lean against the bed’s frame. My muscles ached, but I didn’t feel pain rip through me like earlier.

 

I could see… It wasn’t the extreme, harsh world that had clouded me before. It was gray. There was a pit in my stomach, and I felt like I might throw up. Everything had been polar opposites, and now… it seemed almost worse. I took a slow deep breath, and directed my attention to the cause of my awaking.

 

Kuroo was leaning against the door frame, eyes glued to his phone in his hand. He held a casual stance, but I could tell he was paying full attention to my actions. I stared at him for a  few seconds, unsure of what to say. Moments passed, and Kuroo spoke, without looking up.

 

“It’s 3:39pm.”

 

I kept staring at him. I couldn’t care less about the time. I pulled the comforter over me again and slumped back down. I didn’t want to get up. 

 

I pressed my eyes shut, but Yamaguchi’s pained face was there immediately.  _ Live for Yamaguchi. _ Kuroo’s words were ingrained in my head. I won’t die, but  _ Yamaguchi still doesn’t deserve to go through everything I continue to put him through. _

 

“Tsukki, I know you’re awake. Get up.”

 

I kept my eyes shut closer, and rolled onto my side, opposite of Kuroo. I felt like a little kid.

 

“Don’t call me that.” My voice was muffled, but Kuroo definitely heard it, because his annoying chuckle filled the air. 

 

I heard his phone lock, and he took a few steps before ripping off the comforter. “Go take a shower.”

 

“Please leave me alone.”

 

Kuroo’s presence loomed over me, but I refused to face him. Suddenly, light burst into the room as Kuroo threw open the blinds. I felt it, and my eyes opened subconsciously. He was standing right in front of me. I repeated my words.

 

He sighed, but suddenly he was holding me again. “Jesus Chris-” He threw me over his shoulder and I wondered how the fuck this dude managed to lift a 6’2” fully grown man over his shoulder. Apparently, it wasn’t that hard, because in matter of seconds we were standing in the bathroom, and I heard the shower turn on. My eyes widened, as I realized what he was planning.

 

“Kuroo,  _ no. _ ”

 

“Kuroo, yes.”

 

He then proceeded to drop me into the fucking tub, as I was fully clothed, and wearing my glasses. It was hot as hell. As soon as I managed to stand up, my glasses were coated in drips and steam. I threw the shower curtain open, and gave the black-haired monster my best glare. He was standing a few feet away, and looking like he was trying his best not to laugh. Water poured down onto my head. He pulled out his phone -- that was the last straw. I pulled off my water-soaked shirt and threw it at him. It hit him directly in the face, and his phone clattered to the tile floor.

 

The sopping mess of fabric flopped off his face after a long few seconds. Kuroo’s face was fucking priceless. His horrific bedhead plastered both sides of his face, and he just stood there.

 

I almost started laughing. Kuroo pushed back his wet hair, and his face was pure rage. Any hint of humour from before was replaced with a calm-before-the-storm expression. He let out a quiet sigh, then grabbed the bar of soap from the sink and threw it. I was stunned as it hit home - the middle of my forehead. 

 

In a few minutes, the bathroom somehow ended up covered in all the soaps in the entire apartment. I was on the floor, breathing heavily. Kuroo was lying, shirtless too, inside the tub. The shower was still on. We were both soaked. I smelled like a perfume factory disaster. I had no idea where my shirt had ended up. Kuroo’s phone was in a puddle of shaving cream. My glasses were jammed half into a vent. Kuroo was covered in sparkles for some unknown reason.

 

“I can’t believe you fucked up my bathroom.”

“You started it.”

“What are you, an 8 year old?”

“Fuck off.”

 

I groaned and stood up, taking care not to slip on some unknown shampoo product. I was running on a few hours of sleep, and I felt like shit.

 

Amid the silence, I heard the door lock click.

 

“ _ Kei? _ ” The ever-so-familiar voice rang out across the apartment. I inhaled sharply, and I felt the pain return. My throat closed up.

 

“Yamaguchi?” I managed to yell back without my voice breaking. It wasn’t a question. It was him.

 

Kuroo sat up immediately. “Take my shirt.” Kuroo retrieved his plain black shirt from the ceiling fan and tossed it at me. It seemed about the only piece of clothing in the room that was somehow untouched by the soapy carnage. I frantically tried to get rid of the excess soap off my hair and jeans using a towel. Deciding it was good enough, I retrieved my glasses and put on Kuroo’s shirt. 

 

“Stay in here.” I threw it over my shoulder in a low voice as I walked out of the room.

 

I stepped into the living room and for a second, I was shocked. I had always seen Yamaguchi in such bright colours. Now, he was gray. 

 

My heart broke. I boarded it back up.

 

I looked into his eyes, and saw hope. My reflection looked back at me. All those years ago, I had chosen bitterness and arrogance as my weapon of choice. It was my only resort. My familiar arrogant grin looked back at me through Yamaguchi’s eyes.

 

Every cell in me screamed to stop, to just tell him that I was sorry, to beg him. Before I could bring myself to lower my weapon, Yamaguchi broke eye contact. 

 

“Yamaguchi, why are you here?”  _ I know why you’re here. _

 

“I want to know why you were with Kuroo Tetsurou.”  _ Because I was an idiot. Because I never appreciated you enough. Because I thought it wouldn’t mean anything. Because I was afraid.  _

 

“Why I was making out with him? That’s what you want to know?”  _ Why did I say this. It was so obvious. If I just stopped and explained maybe he would forgive me-- _

 

“Yes, I do want to know.” Yamaguchi’s tone was cold and forceful.

 

I gave in.  _ I don’t deserve you, Yamaguchi. _ A full-on sneer covered my face.

 

Disbelief morphed into anger as Yamaguchi looked at me. He took a slow breath. 

 

“I want to know why you were making out with him in  _ our  _ apartment. I want to know why you didn’t even stop when I showed up. I want to know why you didn’t  _ just tell me _ you found someone else! Jesus Christ, _ I was going to marry you!” _

 

His words rung out all around me. I was numb. I felt the pain  sink in. He was right. I should’ve. I had no words. My face remained neutral, but I was breaking down inside.

 

“Tsukki?” Kuroo’s voice echoed, breaking the tension of the room.

 

“It's...It's fine, Kuroo. You don’t need to come out.” My voice was dead, void of all emotions that silently tore me apart inside. He poked his head out of the door behind me. His hair dripped onto the tile. 

 

“I can tell when I’m not wanted, Tsukishima. I’ll come get my things later.” Yamaguchi voice was like a barbed wire. I turned to look back at him.  _ No, no, no, it’s not how it looks. _

 

He had already turned his back and was at the door.

 

I couldn’t hold up anymore. Tears streamed down my face.

 

My voice was tiny and weak, barely a whisper.

 

“Please--”

 

Yamaguchi Tadashi walked out the door, and didn’t look back.

 

“-- _ don’t go… _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha u thought that scene where yamaguchi snaps couldn't get any sadder, right? oops. 
> 
> i live for comments so feel free to drown me in your thoughts.
> 
> i hope you don't hate tsukki as much.
> 
> he's still an idiot.


	6. Blazing in the Outfield, Cologne in the Car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. okay so to clear things up, tsukki and kuroo did not actually do the do in last chapter, it was just what yamaguchi (reasonably) assumed  
> 2\. this isn't my best writing.. but.. i still apologize... it's.. still heartbreaking...  
> 3\. here's the soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XqG5RRo-_k3BGgyc2mzi8AF4DqDwjNZ  
> 4\. sorry for updating a day late my dudes

I was desensitized to the world. Numbness filled all parts of me that were now void of love.  

 

I navigated the streets subconsciously. The jejune world carried on around me. The sounds of bustling cars, the shriek of traffic, echoed in my ears, but I never heard it. I had once been fascinated with with the city. 

 

There were more people living their everyday lives -- or perhaps experiencing the event of a lifetime. There was no way I could ever know their names, or even meet them, but everyone had a story. The young woman with the delicate brown curls that worked at my favourite cafe always smiled. What was it, I wonder, that always made her smile? I didn’t even know her name, but she radiated, brightening up the entire shop.

 

Tsukishima had informed me that this was called a sonder... 

 

I felt insignificant.

 

A taxi honked loudly as I cut in front. The world spiralled around me, but I stayed still. I wasn’t dizzy. It was simply the shock of how big the world was. I had always been safe, perhaps even hidden,  in Tsukishima’s shadow. I was alone. I felt so different.

 

Ever since we were little kids, and he saved me from bullies all those years ago… I had always been with him. We had hardly been apart. Even when he left last year, it wasn’t final.  _ He came back. _

 

My feet hit the street with quiet splashes. The final touches of snow had melted, and turned into small puddles that dotted the cracked paths of the urban sidewalks. A faint fog had set in. It was cold. The watery air that surrounded me invaded my lungs, and I felt like I was choking. I stumbled forward, and collapsed on a bench.

 

A burst of wind blew around me, messing my hair and biting the tips of my ears. I stared up at the foggy sky. The skyscrapers around me reached up and faded into the mist. My heart hammered in my chest, and I didn’t know why. 

 

I sat there for a long time.

 

The creaking of a leafless trees whispered around me. The noise of the city was deafening, enough to block out any of my thoughts. 

 

Cars. Cars. Police. Bird. Teenager. Cars. Truck. Footsteps. Whistling. Cars. Low, passing voices. Unclear words. The giggle of a small child. A bicycle’s bell. Rain pattering down on pavement. The jingle of someone’s keys. Construction in the distance.

 

Oil. Petrichor. Rubber. Vendors. A hint of fresh fish on the breeze. 

 

I took each breath in slowly. 

 

When I opened my eyes, the fog has lessened. I was stiff, and my legs were asleep. I stood up, my head spilling from the sudden movement. I took a deep breath, breaking my careful cycle, and stood up. The pins-and-needles feeling hit in a few seconds. I almost felt relieved that I could still feel something.

 

I walked down a few more blocks. The fog had lifted slightly, but only to be replaced by a setting sun.

 

I used to love sunsets, and sun rises, too. I would drag Tsukishima out to a local park just to watch the sun set. He would pull me close and I would smile. Now, they were just as monotone as faded pavement. There was nothing special about them. At least, not anymore.

 

I ended up in a place I had long since despised. 

 

Of course I had been here before. With friends. I was always uncomfortable with it though. It took away my love. 

 

But, really.

 

What do I have to lose now?

 

A sign read  _ ‘The Stumbled In’ _ in faded colours, in an italicized font.

 

I pushed the framed door open and stepped inside; the smell of alcohol and whiskey  assailed my senses. It wasn’t a mess, like I had expected. It was a large room, with a dark colour scheme. There were a few people interspersed at tables, but no groups. Faint music played in the background, interrupted only by the occasional clack of pool balls.

 

I walked forward, towards the vacant bar seats. No eyes turned towards me, as I had partly imagined. I settled into a seat, my movements completely void of grace. The bartender turned to face me. 

 

I had originally thought of them as a woman, but when they turned around, I could tell I was wrong. Light hair framed his delicate features, but the roots were undyed. He had an air of nonchalance, but his eyes -- now staring into me -- were piercing, and calculating. They were almost like a cat’s. I was taken aback, as we held eye contact for a few more seconds, before he blinked and went back to finish the drink he was making.

 

I let out a quiet breath, and relaxed. A moment later, the bartender turned back to face me. 

 

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.” His voice was quiet, but smooth. It took me a moment to realized that it was my turn to respond.

 

“Yeah… I’ve just been having a shitty week…” I bowed my head, a false smile plastered on my face. Normally, I didn’t swear much. Then again, _normally_ the best relationship I had ever had in my life hadn’t just been ripped to shreds then jammed into a metaphorical fucking blender.

 

“I’ll make you a deal.” I glanced up, making eye contact again. “Some whiskey, on the house. In exchange, tell me a bit about your ‘shitty week.’”

 

I must’ve looked interested, because a glass was placed in front of me. I half expected my hands to be shaky, but I picked it up with strong hands a took a sip. It burned my throat. It was soothing.

 

“My name’s Yamaguchi Tadashi.” 

“Kenma Kozume. No need for honorific.”

 

I brought the glass to my lips. The burn was already growing familiar. It was comforting, amidst how numb I felt.

 

“Turns out my boyfriend who I was about to propose to was sleeping with someone else.” My tone was light, completely contradicting how I felt. It didn’t even occur to me that I might be judged for having a boyfriend in the first place.

 

I drain my cup and slammed it back onto the bar. 

 

Kenma refilled it, offering a small sympathetic smile.

“He wasn’t even  _ sorry  _ about it… he just smirked at me. We were together for a _ year, _ we’ve lived together for years. I can’t believe he would do something like that. I can’t believe Tsukki would--” My voice caught in my throat, and tears threatened to spill over yet again. I struggled for breath.

 

I gulped down the alcohol, trying to drown out my feelings.

 

I slammed a bill onto the table.

 

I felt all my emotions come pouring out. 

 

“Yamaguchi-san, maybe you should slow down--” Kenma’s quiet voice was cut off by my glare. I must’ve looked like a mess. An intimidating, 5’10” mess. 

 

I felt my anger fade away. “No. I just... “ My train of thought failed me as I sipped the whiskey.

 

My head was swirling. I kept replaying what Tsukishima had said to me. He hadn’t even tried to stop me. He didn’t do anything. All I wanted was an explanation. All he had offered me was venom. I was so vulnerable.  _ “How did I even trick myself into thinking he loved me?” _

 

The world faded away. It was just me and the whiskey.

 

Myself and bliss…

 

And every single time Tsukishima Kei had whispered  _ “I love you” _ into my ear.

 

Each sip eased the pain. It was never enough. Every memory felt like a different cut. Each mouthful of liquor was a bandage.

 

_ Sitting under the cherry blossoms, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, gently planting kisses on my lips. _ I slammed my glass down.

 

Quiet dances under colourful lights.  _ Slam. _

 

Nights we spent together.  _ Slam. _

 

The secrets exchanged.  _ Slam. _

 

His smile when I woke up.  _ Slam. _

 

The mornings in each other’s arms.  _ Slam. _

 

Late night kisses the few moments we had before collapsing in exhaustion.  _ Slam. _

 

_ “I love you, Tadashi,”  _ repeated in my ears, countless times.  _ Slam. _

 

Tears streaked down my cheeks.

 

Pale moonlight leaked in through a window. Whiskey filled my veins. All I could wonder is why the hell I wasn’t good enough for him. It echoed throughout my head, tearing me apart.

 

Why wasn’t I good enough for him? 

 

_ Was I really not good enough for you, Kei? _

 

I slowly slipped into oblivion, as the alcohol set in. 

 

Tomorrow, I would be stronger.

  
That was all I could believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will NOT be tsukkiyama... it'll be a follow-up on Kuroo. This chapter was basically the last one of the story:,) and every chapter after this will occur after this.
> 
> okay... that is all... feel free to leave your thoughts in comments... or /whisper/ make me fan art and send it to @riverstiel on IG...
> 
> -pain and suffering™


	7. Sneaking into Movies, (Pt. I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellloooo my dudes. sorry for not updating last week, I was pretty busy. good new though, double update tonight!
> 
> enjoy this 99% angst free chapter with... a few guest stars...

Life can be confusing. I’d be damned if I didn’t enjoy it, though. 

 

Tsukishima Kei. 

 

That guy was amazing. His cold remarks were always so fun to parry with a well thought-out reply. His icy seriousness just made him more attractive. I’ll admit that. 

 

He wasn’t worth as much as I thought.

 

At least, not for me.

 

We had history, he was the first person I ever made out with. Quite the achievement, if I do say myself. He had someone else. I  _ cringe  _ at myself, just thinking about it. 

 

God, they were perfect. I shouldn’t have just butted in and ruined it, like I always tend to do. I went way too far.

 

But that’s another chapter in my life. Hell, might as well be another book. I’m starting a new story. How about…  _ Kuroo Tetsurou Meets a Second (Much Less Problematic) Blond! _ I think it has quite the ring to it.

 

\-----

 

**_The following takes place 6 months after the events of Chapter 6_ **

 

Jesus, the last year of college was not nice at all. I thought I had no free time in high school; oh, how times change.

 

I sat on my couch in my ever-so-vacant apartment, scrolling through my phone’s notifications while a volleyball game buzzed in the background. A stack of papers I had due towered over me, ominously. I had a nice apartment. The floors were a dark cherry, with red accents. It was big. Too big, I think. At least these goddamn papers took up some space.

 

It wouldn’t be hard for me to go out and get someone, but, even after all these months, I still feared I would mess something up like I had with Tsukishima.

 

Speaking of that blond bastard, we were still in contact. Somewhere along the line, we had actually managed a friendship. It was a bit wavy, but Tsukishima was surprisingly reliable, and good at getting his way.

 

I felt distracted. _ Dammit, Kuroo. You have 5 papers due tomorrow! Get your lazy ass to work. _ Instead, I groaned. My cat hopped up on me. Her name was Copper, and she was the only lady I needed in my life. Ironically enough, she was full black with green eyes. I still don’t know why I call her Copper. I blame Bokuto. Suddenly, my phone let out a loud hooting noise, which scared my cat shitless. She leapt off of my lap, disappearing into the other room. I grabbed my phone, reading the illuminated screen.

 

**Hoot:** hey bro wanna go get wasted [ _ Sent 5:36pm _ ]

**Hoot:** ill bring akaashi [ _ Sent 5:37pm _ ]

 

I sighed, weighing the pros and cons. I decided on a very well thought-out “fuck it.” 

 

To  **Hoot:** what the hell, sure. anywhere planned? [ _ Sent 5:39pm _ ]

 

I waited a few seconds. Bokuto took forever to type. 

 

**Hoot:** the usual. half an hour? [ _ Sent 5:41pm _ ]

 

To  **Hoot:** got it [ _ Sent 5:42pm _ ]

 

I closed my messages and sat up, clicking my TV off with a remote I had previously been sitting on.

 

I pulled up my laptop and put my master bullshitting skills to work. I finished half of my papers in a few minutes. My eyes flicked through my notes, making sure I had all the formulas I needed for Chem memorized.

 

A few minutes later, I was on my lame-ass moped that I still owned for some godforsaken reason. I skirted through the night’s traffic at speeds higher than I probably should’ve. I loved the feeling of wind rippling around me. It almost made the faded blues and dull yellows blur into something nicer than an artist’s messy pallet. Quicker than I would’ve liked, I arrived next to a bleached sign reading  _ ‘The Stumbled In.’ _

 

Memories of countless evenings spent here invaded my thoughts. It was bittersweet. I remembered the taste of Tsukishima’s lips, of liquor burning my throat, memories of friendship and nights spent alone all lingered. I grimaced, but it was completely wiped away by a loud “HEY HEY HEY!” from down the street. 

 

Bokuto was dragging a much-less-enthusiastic Akaashi Keiji down the street towards me. “Hey, bro,” I couldn’t help a smirk as Bokuto and I performed an elaborate 13-and-a-half step handshake. Akaashi was suffering.

 

Somehow, Bokuto had launched into a story about some dude who brought a live duck to a seminar without getting caught as we walked down the street.

 

I’m not one for cliches. That’s just a step past what I accept.

 

As soon as I stepped through the doorway, my eyes rested on a figure. 

 

Gold.

 

That was a colour I hadn’t seen in a long time.

 

Bokuto didn’t seem to notice that I had frozen. He pulled me along to a seat located to the left of the room. Thank god he didn’t notice. That guy had no tact.

 

Half an hour later, we were pretty drunk.

 

“Why the hell did you even invite me for this?” I asked, leaning back in my seat as Bokuto pulled away from Akaashi, whom he was making out with.

 

“Well…” Bokuto paused, slurring his words slightly, and looked over to Akaashi, who was sitting next to him, with a small, uncharacteristic smile. “You can tell him.” He whispered, and nodded once to Bokuto.

 

I furrowed my brow, waiting for an answer.

 

Bokuto turned back around, a massive, infectious smile on his face.

 

“Akaashi and I are getting married.” He looked like he was trying to be calm about it, but he was about to spill over with excitement. We’d known each other since middle school, and I’d be lying if I didn’t think they were gonna get married from the start.

 

“Holy shit, bro! THAT’S FUCKIN’ AMAZING. Are you gonna have a wedding or what?” Bokuto’s dorky smile had infected me too.

 

\-----

 

My phone read 8:46pm as I waved Akaashi and Bokuto goodbye, a smile on my face. They were headed home, but I had nothing better to do than to stay at the bar.

 

I sipped on what was left of my beer, before setting it down and making my way to the front of the room.

 

I took a seat at the bar, and whistled, catching the bartender’s attention.

 

Gold. 

 

It had been such a long time since I had seen such bright colours. 

 

“Would you like something?” The bartender’s voice was low, quiet, but it broke my attention. I realized I was gaping, and quickly took the last sip of my drink. I gotta maintain the dark, mysterious, cool guy facade. 

 

“Your name?”

 

The blond bartender sighed, like he knew what was going to happen, but pretended it surprised him anyways. 

 

“Kenma.”

 

“I’m Kuroo. Pleasure to meet you.” His amber eyes were calculating, and I wondered for a second why someone with that much intelligence in his eyes worked at a bar. He sighed again, and turned around, back to whatever he was mixing up.

 

“A tequila sunrise.” I added, a few seconds later, realizing I was about to be forgotten.

 

I heard a few clinks of glasses, and one was placed in front of me. I looked up, meeting the bartender’s eyes.

 

It was now or nothing.

 

“Are you made of Copper and Tellurium?” I took a sip of my bright-coloured drink, and watched as Kenma squinted his eyes.

 

“Are--did you just hit on me… with a science joke…?”

 

“Can you blame me? You’re so hot you denature my proteins.”

 

He choked, then glared at me. I couldn’t help but smile a bit. He turned quickly, trying to hide a small blush.

 

“You make my anoxic sediments want to increase their redox potential.” 

 

“Okay. That one was decent.”

 

I smiled broader at that. 

 

“Are you a chemist?” The blond said, in his low tone, after a few seconds. He didn’t attempt eye contact with me, and appeared to be making a drink.

 

“I’m a chemistry major, yeah.”

 

“Cool. I’m in computer sciences. I work here some nights for a few hours. My uncle owns the place, and he’s looking for someone to take over. I fill in.”

 

The conversation carried on surprisingly long, but by the end, he slipped me a piece of paper with his phone number scribbled into it.

 

“I’m free Sunday afternoons,” he added as I headed out.

 

The summer air whipped through my messy hair as I pulled out my phone.  _ 10:32pm,  _ read the illuminated screen.

 

I opened contacts, and punched in his number.

 

_ Sunday afternoon. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea how college life even works 
> 
>  also idk if my science pickup lines were up to standard idk much abt chemistry i tried
> 
> \- happiness and joy™


	8. Pleading with the Actress (Pt. II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> question: what city do you guys think this takes place in? I've never mentioned any specific locations, just made-up restaurant names. 
> 
> anyway, enjoy the chapter! let me know all of your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i know NOTHING about video games. that is all.

_**The following is a continuation of last chapter.** _

 

The next few days were hell. Hell, and a killer headache. I would’ve gladly slept through the entire weekend without a second thought. But, I couldn’t forget those glowing eyes, and faint blush on cheekbones.

 

I managed to roll out of bed before 9:30 on Sunday morning, which was was quite the feat. I shuffled to my kitchen and hurriedly finished two mugs of coffee, before finally showering and getting dressed. When I got out of the shower, I shuffled around my apartment, wondering where the hell I left my phone. At some point last night, I had chucked it across the room because Bokuto wouldn’t stop snapchatting me picture of Akaashi, who was serenely passed out on the couch. Seriously, it was one in the morning, and I couldn’t deal with 26.5 of the same picture being sent to me. Bokuto also used one too many exclamation marks, and somehow knew every single filter on the app. The dude might not seem very smart, but somehow he knew it all.

 

I ruffled through some sheets of paper on my coffee table. No luck. I pushed my damp hair back, and continued to look. It was time for desperate measures. The bangs had to go.

 

I eventually abandoned it, and gave Copper her breakfast. For myself, I decided om Eggo, as a part of my nutritional breakfast. For some godforsaken reason, my toaster had papers jammed into it, and I wasn’t about to take my toaster apart just to cook some freakin’ Eggos.

 

I opened the box, and tipped the contents onto my plate. I ended up eating a few frosty Eggos. I dropped my waffle when I heard a tone ringing from my living room, and bolted to find the source. Pressed in between the cushions of a chair, I found my phone.

 

Another Bokuto text. I sat down and scrolled through it, feeling much more calmed down now. I opened my contacts app, and searched through it to block him for a few hours.

 

I stopped when I laid my eyes on a contact.

 

_ Kenma Kozume. _

 

I didn’t even have a contact photo for him. Well, it’s not like I needed a photo to remember what he looked like.

 

Okay, what the hell. Sunday afternoon. Now or never.

 

To  **Kenma:** hey it’s that dude from thursday night with the science pickup lines and great hair. _ [Sent 10:47am] _

 

Copper padded across the wood floor and leapt up onto my lap. I distracted myself by petting her. I couldn’t really expect a reply. I really couldn’t… but I did anyways. A few minutes passed and I almost gave up my silence vigilance of my phone. Suddenly, it dinged, and my heart leapt. I quickly scooped it up, being careful to not launch my cat off the couch. 

 

**Kenma:** oh hey. kuroo?  _ [Sent 10:52am] _

 

I bit my lip for a second. _ Now or never. _

 

To  **Kenma:** yeah. want to go grab lunch at 12? There’s this badass american place I found, if you wanted to check it out it’d be cool. it’s called  _ ‘Save the Date.’ [Sent 10:53am] _

 

**Kenma:** sounds cool. where is it?  _ [Sent 10:53am] _

 

We continued the conversation for a few minutes, and eventually agreed on me picking him up. I hope he doesn’t mind mopeds.

 

\----

 

Turns out Kenma doesn’t actually live that far from my apartment. I pulled up to the small, reddish house he had described earlier. I dismounted my dark blue piece of trash on two wheels. Before I could get to the door, it opened, and the small blond figure stepped out. He looked a bit tense, and donned a pair of dark jeans, and a white hoodie.

 

I cracked a smile, and held out a helmet to him.

 

“A… moped?” He assessed the situation with some caution.

 

“Yeah.”   
  


“I’m putting my life in your hands.”

 

“Looks like we have chemistry already.”

 

He blushed and I felt victorious. 

 

I strolled back towards our ride, Kenma following, albeit hesitantly. “Have you ever ridden one before, Kenma?”

 

“No.”

 

I laughed quietly, and swung my leg over the seat. Kenma stood a few feet back, helmet in hand. I held out my hand. “C’mon.”

 

Kenma took a quick breath, grabbed my hand, and swung over to sit around behind me. “Helmet on.” 

 

“Got it.” 

 

“Hold on tight.”

 

“Okay…”

 

This thing might be shitty, but damn, it can still accelerate.

 

As soon as we took off, I heard a yelp from behind, and suddenly I could feel arms tightening around me. Kenma’s head was buried between my shoulderblades, and his grip was surprisingly strong. I wished the ride could be a bit longer; I was enjoying the warmth pressed up against me, and the early summer heat around me was calming. Houses whipped away and were replaced with the restaurant district. 

 

I had seen the city as pale for so long.

 

Now, it was warm. 

 

I could see the colours. It wasn’t gray anymore, there were accents of dark blue, and bright purple banners. The bustling streets weren’t just a part of the city, they were people, each as spontaneous as the next. Wind whipped by as we flew through traffic, and when we arrived, there was no more gray. There was just a warm reddish tint, laced with gold.

 

I parked my bike, and Kenma leapt off.

 

“That was… fast.”

 

I gave a small smile, and Kenma passed his helmet. I left them on the bike, and we walked down the sidewalk for a minute. 

 

He seemed a lot quieter, and he keep looking around at people walking by. He must’ve been more self conscious than I thought. I spied a wooden sign above a door reading  _ ‘Save the Date’ _ in a cursive font. I grabbed his hand, snapping his gaze from across the street. “It’s right in here.”

 

I pushed open the faded wooden door, and we stepped inside. 

 

It smelled heavenly. The aroma of fresh apple pie wafted around the restaurant, but also with the simple smell of… books? It was a simple place, and from where we stood, it reminded me of a cafe. The floor was a light honey-coloured wood, and the tables spaced out around the narrow room lit up the room with colourful red and white table cloths. Yellowish lights gave it all a warm ambience, and several oil painted artworks were framed onto walls. I was mesmerized, and Kenma appeared to be too. I had only heard of this place from Akaashi; it was basically a hole in the wall. I spotted two or three people around the joint, but they all sat by themselves, and appeared to be invested in laptops, or, in one case, a novel.

 

A young waitress with pale orange hair, and twinkling amber eyes snapped us out of our daze.

 

“Table for two?”

 

It took me a moment to realize that I probably should answer.

 

“Yeah, please.”

 

“Follow me.”

 

She grabbed two menus and led us into a table in the back corner. It wasn’t a booth, as I expected. It was much more comfortable. Light from a skylight soaked in. We took our seats, and the waitress walked back to the kitchen.

 

Faint English pop music played in the background, and we opened up our menus.

 

We sat in silence, scanning the menus. Moments later, the waitress returned.  _ Sami, _ I realized her nametag read.

 

“I’ll have a cheeseburger and some fries.”

 

I looked over at Kenma, who appeared a bit uncomfortable. He didn’t look like he wanted to talk. I took matters into my own hands.

 

“He’ll have a garden salad. Two iced teas. Oh, and can we get some apple pie, too? It smells amazing.” 

 

“Certainly.” The waitress smiled, and took out menus, heading back to prepare our meals.

 

Kenma let out an almost inaudible breath. “Thanks.”

 

The blond looked so small, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t want to talk. 

 

“How’d you know I wanted salad?” His quiet voice cut through my thoughts.

 

“You were looking through the salads page? I don’t know.”

 

Kenma furrowed his brow, but then shrugged. 

 

“So what else do you do besides bartending? You mentioned you were taking computer science.”

 

Kenma pushed some of his hair out of his face, and looked really interested in the tablecloth. He wouldn’t meet my eye.

 

“Not much. I live by myself. I play a lot of video games.”

 

“So do I. I mean, living by myself, that is. My friend, Bokuto, he’s really into gaming. He’s really bad at it though. I’ve played Fallout 4 and some COD.”

 

“Fallout’s cool. I like Codsworth.”

 

“‘The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.’”

 

A rare smile crossed Kenma’s face, and he looked up at me with... was that shyness?

 

Sami arrived, with our orders balanced expertly on her arms, interrupting our conversation. She gracefully placed them down. “I’ll be back with the pie when you two are done. If you need anything, just give a hoot!” 

 

“Thanks.” I replied, for the both of us. I took a bite of my burger and was instantly heaven. The cheese tasted beautiful and tied it all together. Honestly, I could go on forever, but it seemed that I finished the burger in a few bites.

 

“That was amazing, holy shit.”

 

Kenma was eating his salad with gusto. I hadn’t taken him for one to eat enthusiastically, but then again, the food here seemed pretty amazing.

 

The apple pie arrived moments after Kenma and I finished. I  _ fell in love. _

 

I don’t know much about baking, but these spices were top of the line.  

 

After we finished, I paid for the meal and left a good tip. We lingered for a few minutes at the table, simply enjoying the atmosphere, and with a lazy conversation about how much better the food was than $3 microwavable food.

 

We rested on a city bench few meters from the entrance of  _ Save The Date, _ listening to a street guitarist who was playing… what was it…  _ ‘Good Riddance’ _ by Green Day. Akaashi liked Green Day, no wonder I knew it. The guy was singing, too, and he didn’t sound half bad. It added some ambience to the already beautiful summer day.

 

Despite the many restaurants in this district, there was a tree canopy reaching over the sidewalk. It was faint, and the trees were interspersed between buildings. It was nice. Golden light soaked through the tree branches, untinted by the tree’s chlorophyll. I couldn’t help but smile a bit at Kenma. He looked content, as he watched the street performer, facing away from me. He looked so pretty, god dammit. 

 

Suddenly, the blond moved, ducking his head, then looking at me. He looked a bit shy, and didn’t make eye contact.

 

“Thank you. That apple pie was good.”

 

My smile broadened.

 

“Glad you liked it.” There was a light silence between us. It wasn’t awkward, but there was an unasked question.

 

“Could we do something like this again, maybe?” Kenma asked, a few seconds later. He looked me in the eye, meekly.

 

“Okay.”

 

He moved a bit closer, our shoulders almost touching. We sat under the tree canopy, the sounds of the city around us.

 

They weren’t cold and harsh. It was the sound of laughing as teenagers walked passed; the strum of a guitar; the jingle of a bell as a cyclist navigated his way through traffic; the chirping of small birds as they hopped along the sidewalk and flitted back up to their nest above; the voice of the signer ringing out over midday traffic.

 

I was happy.

 

“Do you want to kiss?” Kenma’s voice was quiet, almost silent amid the din of the city.

 

“Okay.”

  
I really was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that concludes my happy chapters. next... is the finale. back to regularly scheduled tsukkiyama angst.
> 
> the song that inspired these two chapters is 'I've Been Drinking' by prelow


	9. We're The Coolest Kids You're Never Gonna Meet (Finale Pt. I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is part one of the finale... this chapter's just a bit of context. it's not too emotional... unless... perhaps, you really think about it.
> 
> this is like 70% references to earlier in the story / mistakes like this
> 
> warning: i have no idea how real life works in any way i guessed like all of this sorry if it's horribly wrong in every way

They say the first thing you forget about a person is their voice. 

 

I never really thought about it.

 

I had always been the one forgotten, not the one to forget.

 

I didn’t even want to remember.

 

He faded away.

 

I didn’t go after him.

 

We were best friends, lovers, and now… we were nothing. 

 

The remaining months of college passed, and soon we received diplomas and we were no longer ‘we.’

 

I got a job at an office soon after I graduated, thanks to a few strings my dad managed to pull.

 

It was a new world.

 

Lonely, perhaps.

 

But also not.

 

Yachi had brought me in once again, and we had become close friends, best friends, even.

 

Tsukishima Kei was gone, and I didn’t chase after him. I couldn’t care less about him.

 

I began to flourish. I found out I was an amazing with people, and soon, my supervisors noticed, too. I had worked there for only 6 months, and knew everyone by name. I was a boss. Everyone listened to me, smiled at me, accepted me for being me. I made friends, which I had hardly imagined doing. I… was happy.

 

My office was an open environment, with a large window.  I had long since left the cubicle. 

 

I laughed, and I smiled, I went out with my coworkers. I was, in all ways, a normal person. I had a good paycheck, I lived with one of my best friends, and I… I didn’t need anything else. My past was the past, and I wasn’t looking back. I had no reason to.

 

The past has a way of sneaking up on you, though, eh? 

 

It was a normal day at work. I walked in, took the elevator, and was greeted with a chorus of  _ Good morning, Tadashi _ ’s, and I checked on everyone’s progress. I had insisted everyone call me by my first name with no honorific needed. I just wanted to be friends. The day flew by, and it was suddenly my break. I headed to the break room, but before I could enter I heard a voice over the PA page me. I sighed, looking at my watch.  _ “On my lunch break, huh?” _ I muttered under my breath.  _ This better be worth it.  _

 

“Ah, Tadashi!” The overly-enthusiastic voice of my boss, Gideon, greeted me as I closed the door of his office behind me. He beamed at me, and I settled down at a seat in front of his desk. I was unsure of what to expect.

 

“You’ve only been here a few months, but I can tell how much you put into this company.” I didn’t know where this was going. It was true, I hardly had anything else to do. I filled out a lot of paperwork that no one else bothered with.

 

“It has not gone unnoticed! We think you deserve a bit of a break.” I looked up in confusion at him. Where was this going--

 

“On behalf of all the staff here, we have hired an assistant for you. Our company is expanding, and you are a fine supervisor. We’d hate to lose you!”

 

I was shocked. He continued to unleash his over-the-top smile on me. He must’ve taken that shock as surprise, and continued talking giddily.

 

“He should be up in the lunchroom, getting to know his new coworkers. You should go say hi!”

 

I stood up, and began to thank him profusely. 

 

“No need, Tadashi! You deserve this more than anyone!”

 

As soon as I exited the room, I let out a massive breath, trying to hold back panic. Someone new? What if we didn’t get along? I have to be their boss.  _ He _ . Gideon had said ‘he.’ Oh, thank god. At least I don’t have to worry about the possibility of someone trying to get in my pants. 

 

I navigated the building, finally ending up with my hand on the handle to the lunch room's door. I was frozen, taking deep breaths. _ It’s all gonna be fine. _ I twisted the knob, and stepped in the room.

 

The room was full of employees, it was silent when I stepped in. I closed the door, and as soon as I looked up, I was frozen.

 

My heart stopped beating, because I knew those golden eyes that I was looking into. 

 

_ No. Please, no. No. No. NO. _

 

The moment was gone, and I extended my hand. He took it. We shook hands. “Yamaguchi Tadashi.” I said, forcing life into my voice. “Tsukishima Kei,” said the man standing across from me, “it’ll be a pleasure working with you.”

 

A few seconds later, we dropped hands, and everything was normal. “My first day’s actually tomorrow. I just came in today to get to know the place.” The man’s tone was lively, and it sounded foreign. “Okay. Sounds great, Tsukishima-san. I’ll be up in my office. If you need any help, any of the workers here are more than capable of lending a hand.” I kept my voice light, and I poured every ounce of denial I had inside of me into my speech. 

 

I left the room. I went back to my office. I stepped inside, and then slammed the door. I pressed my back to it, sliding down to the floor, my head suddenly in my hands. I felt my breathing quicken as I realized what just happened. I ran my hands through my now-short hair.

 

My life… it was normal. It was perfect. I had started again. Now, I didn’t know what to do. I was completely and utterly lost. 

 

Then, I opened my eyes, took a deep breath. I stood up, splashing frigid water on my face moments later. I counted to ten, taking just as many deep breaths.  _ I am an adult. I will not break down for something as small as this. I am better than this. _

 

And so, life resumed. 

 

Gideon was right. It was a lot easier managing so many people when you had an assistant. We didn’t talk much. It just didn’t seem like the time. We never even had a proper conversation. Every time I looked into his golden eyes, I felt my gaze linger for a second longer than it took to ask him to if there was anything else to fill out before lunch hour. 

 

He always responded with a smile, and spoke honestly. Something gnawed at me inside. I wouldn’t let it get to me. I wouldn’t ruin this delicate balance. I could do this.

 

And I could.

 

For three weeks, everything was perfect.

 

Twenty-three days to be exact. Not like I was counting. 

 

It was a late night, and I was rushing to make sure everything was ready before the long weekend. 

 

Basically the entire company was already at home, probably enjoying their 3 days free of stress. Somehow, I got stuck here.

 

“Tadashi… uh…” I was just typing my final words on an email addressed to a company who had expressed interest in wanting to work with us when the quiet voice called my name. 

 

One of the younger employees,  _ Aoto, _ I remembered, was at the door, an urgent yet somehow reluctant look of panic on his face. “What is it?” I quickly sent the email.

 

“Everyone else’s left, and I caught Tsukishima on the way out but, uh, he’s not sure how to help…”  _ How the hell did this kid manage to talk so slowly? _

 

I sighed, taking the time to unplug my laptop and put it into my bag.  _ “What is the current problem?”  _ It was 11.30 at night, and I should’ve been home an hour and a half ago. If I had to deal with this for much longer I’d need another coffee. 

 

“My computer froze.”

 

“Are you serious…? You’re in IT.”

 

“Please just come help.” He groaned, and looked incredibly embarrassed. Hey, I’m not heartless. I decided to help him out. I still wondered how someone specializing in work with computers could somehow not be able to fix one.

 

I packed up my things, then followed him out to the cubicles. Tsukishima was standing next to Aoto’s desktop, pressing some buttons as we arrived. I let out a silent sigh when I recognized it. It was frozen in the middle of a World of Warcraft battle. 

 

_ I swear to fuc- _

 

“Can’t you just turn it off?” I was seriously losing faith in humanity. “No.” Tsukishima and Aoto responded simultaneously, with differing levels of enthusiasm. After my confused-yet-disappointed look, Tsukishima offered an explanation. “It’s the  [ King Varian Wrynn ](http://wowwiki.wikia.com/wiki/King_Varian_Wrynn) boss battle. He can’t just quit that.” _ Oh yeah, that definitely makes perfect sense. _

 

“I also  _ reeeeally  _ have to go. My girlfriend’s gonna be worried if I stay too late.” He said it in such a pleading tone, and I honestly was just done. “Go home. I have this.” He was just a college kid with a part-time job anyway. 

 

“Really?! Ahh, thank you.  _ I owe you one, Tadashi!!!” _ He was already heading for the door before he finished his thought.

 

I sighed and bid him farewell, turning back to the computer. I had almost forgotten about the 6 foot guy standing next to me. “I’ll go check the wireless.” Tsukishima’s voice rang out in the silence.

 

“Uh, yeah. Good idea.” His presence left, and I let out another shaky breath. My thoughts began to wonder as I tapped at buttons. There was something about Tsukishima that seemed off. That was none of my business, though.

 

A few short cuts later, the computer screen came back to life and several balls of blue fire exploded inside the screen. I frowned.  _ How can people enjoy games like this? _ I managed to exit the game and I hoped the button I pressed saved progress, before Tsukishima returned.

 

“Working fine?” 

 

“Yeah, it unfroze a minute ago.”

 

The air felt thick, and as complete silence enveloped us, save the sound of computer keys clicking beneath my fingertips. I exited Aoto’s WoW session, to find an uncompleted email to a client. _ “Dammit, Aoto,” _ I muttered under my breath.

 

“Want me to finish it?” I glanced behind me, looking at the blond. He was standing just behind the chair, eyes peering at the computer screen. The sickly light of the office washed down around us. Most of the main lights were off, and the luster of the city bathed in through the glass walls. For the first time, I really looked at him. His hair, which had always seemed controlled before now, was longer. It almost seemed shaggy, messy, but not enough that you’d question it. Bags hung under his eyes, but were obscured by the thick, black-rimmed glasses he wore. He offered a smile, and I realized I was staring. I felt the gnawing feeling in my stomach again, but turned back to face the computer. “No, it’s fine,” was all I said.

 

It was that smile. The… the Tsukishima I knew… his smile didn’t look like that, and he had never offered it so freely, at least, not to everyone he held a conversation with.

 

I typed out a simple reply to the client’s inquiry. 

 

“I thought you wanted to be a health psychologist when you graduated.” I was taken aback. It was a simple phrase--not even a question, spoken in a nonchalant tone. Yet, it brought back memories of times passed. Times I couldn’t bear to remember. I didn’t take my eyes off the screen as I typed.

 

“Some things just don’t work out.” My voice was monotone, and I knew it didn’t display the choking feeling I felt inside. I had practiced long and hard on that. 

 

A thought occurred to me. This was the first time Tsukishima and I had been alone. There had always been someone else in the room. I let that thought pass.

 

I realized my hands had stopped moving, and I had finished the email a few seconds ago. I hurried, making sure that my moment of being frozen would go unnoticed. I clicked the ‘send’ button, and shut down the computer. My haste quickly dissipated when my phone chimed, signalling a text.  I pulled it out of my pocket as I stood up, pushing Aoto’s chair in.

 

**Yaaaachiiiiiii:** kiyoko came over, i just got around to text you. could you find somewhere else to stay? just for tonight. sorry it’s so late!!

 

_ “Dammit.” _ I cursed under my breath. I texted back a quick “it’s fine I’ll find somewhere to stay,” before sliding my phone back into my pocket.

 

“Something wrong?” I looked up, accidentally meeting Tsukishima’s eyes. He looked concerned, it was unnerving for some reason. I quickly looked away. “My roommate’s got someone over. I gotta find somewhere else to stay.” I grabbed my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and headed towards the elevator. “Bad timing,” I added.

 

Tsukishima followed close behind me. We waited several seconds before the doors slid open. Our shoulders brushed as we stepped inside the confined space. I felt a chill run up to my spine. “Parking one?” I forced my voice not to shake as I asked.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

I pressed the button and waited as it lit up and quiet music began to play. It sounded like top 40s pop. For that, I was thankful.

 

We leaned against the wall of the elevator, and there was just enough room that our shoulders weren’t pressed together.

 

I could feel the tension grow as the silence continued.

 

“If you want… uh, I have a spare room at my place.”

 

I stopped breathing for a second, frozen as the elevator beeped, notifying us of its descent. I knew I had no other options.

 

“Sure, if you’d be willing.”

 

The silence resumed, and soon, the doors opened, revealing the parking garage, and releasing the tension. 

 

“So where do you live now?” I fell in stride next to Tsukishima as he made his way towards his car. He normally left a few minutes earlier than me, and I didn’t really know where he parked or what his car looked like.

 

“It’s a new development on the other side of the city. I have a condo.”

 

We fell silent after that, there was simply nothing else to say.

 

“Do you want to just take my car? It’s a bit of a drive.” Every ounce of my being screamed against it. God, I just wanted to be at home in my bed. I felt my lips move and answer, betraying my thoughts.

 

“Okay.”

 

I had never been that into cars, but I was surprised at Tsukishima’s. It was black, but it didn’t look tacky at all. I stepped into the passenger seat, noting that the interior was leather. A few moments passed, and Tsukishima and I were on the open road. It was long since after midnight.

 

Cars flew along beside us. I stared out the window, watching the passing of green lights, the flicker of red, and the luminescence of the city pulsed around us. The car was dark, and a radio station buzzed faintly in the background; otherwise, silent. I risked a glance over at Tsukishima as headlights illuminated the vehicle. His hands loosely gripped the wheel, but his eyes stayed intent and alert on the road in front of him. The way hands held the wheel, it was like he spent a lot of time driving, yet the car seemed brand new. He was alert, yet it was one in the morning and I knew he hadn’t had a coffee since this morning. His jaw was set like he was thinking, but something about how his eyes appeared far-off made me think that something was up. 

 

My eyes began to linger, and he noticed. His golden eyes met my stare, and he offered a faint smile, before turning back to the road.

 

It was that smile. There was nothing about it that was genuine. My eyes traced his jawline, and I remembered a time that I left marks on it. I remembered every time I had him underneath my palms, every time we embraced, like it was burned into my eyelids. My eyes caught the stubble lined his jaw, and it suddenly all fell into place.

 

The fake smile, the disheveled appearance, like he was trying to hide  _ it. _ There were so many things that weren’t right about him.

 

I didn’t need my degree in psychology to know what was wrong with him.

 

And yet, I didn’t care.

 

Why should I?

 

He was the man who abandoned me and let me fall to my lowest point. 

 

He was the one who left me as I almost drank myself to death at a bar all those years ago. He was the one who cheated on me. He was the one who  _ ruined  _ me.

 

I hate him.

 

_ I despise him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to get part two up as soon as possible, but I busy literally all week, and tomorrow is the only day I have time. 
> 
> anyway...
> 
> what do you think's gonna happen...?
> 
> -pain and suffering™


	10. What Do You Think of Me? (Finale Pt. II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is... the final chapter. the epilogue is included. please, tell me all of your thoughts in the comments.... i recommend rereading mistakes like this (the prequel fic) because there are a lot of references to it.
> 
> the song mentioned on the radio is "Nicotine" by Panic! at the Disco
> 
> playlist for this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9XqG5RRo-_kV6JN3vtGHVV-zLHaAhw2V

I looked away. My breath caught in my throat, and I leaned my head against the seat, my palm on the cool leather. I counted five seconds in my head, and it seemed like an eternity, I reached forward and fiddled with the radio. It was like in middle school when someone shouted  _ “everyone act normal!” _ and then you automatically think and question everything you’d normally do.

 

I turned it to some channel whose genre was listed as “grunge.” I wasn’t going to argue with it anymore. As soon as my fingers left the controls, I let my head hit the back of the headrest.

 

_ “...now, for all of you beautiful, lonely, people looking for your way, I’ll bring you something special…!” _

 

The voice on the radio was the only sound aside from the hum of the engine beneath us. 

 

I sat there, recognizing the instrumental after a few seconds.

 

_ “Cross my heart and hope to die, burn my lungs and curse my eyes…” _

 

I shut my eyes tight. Memories flashed, and I felt sick to my stomach. 

 

_ Oh, how times change. _ If only this was as simple as it had been back then.

 

The song ended, and I felt exhaustion beckon me. My muscles relaxed, and my eyes stayed shut.

 

\-----

 

I felt vaguely aware of movement, my name spoken a few times in a gruff voice, then a sigh. Not necessarily in that order. I made no action against it. At least, I was so 

sleepy I couldn’t coherently connect any thoughts against it. That was, until I felt something solid beneath me. 

 

My eyes fluttered open. It could’ve been minutes, or seconds later, but I was so disoriented I couldn't care enough to notice.

 

I sat up, my mind finally awake. I was on a bed, so much was obvious. The room’s only illumination was from a crack in the partially open door. Pale yellow light streamed in.  I stood up, following the light as though it was a beacon.

 

I padded across the cold, gray floor. Tsukishima must’ve taken my shoes off when we had arrived. 

 

I closed the door shut behind me as quietly as possible. The sound of voices, or well,  _ voice,  _ was audible. I shuffled along a hallway, my hand absently sliding across the dark wood that accented the walls. It really was a nice place, at least from what I could see. My hand soon rested above a doorknob, and I heard Tsukishima’s voice from behind it.

 

_ It was now or never. _

 

I could just let this night slip away, all I would have to do was go back to the room and sleep. I could just turn a blind eye. I didn’t need to ever acknowledge that this night happened. I didn’t have to acknowledge that  _ anything  _ ever happened between Tsukishima Kei and myself.

 

I knew I did, my moral compass stayed annoying true. I inhaled sharply, and placed my hand on the cool metal of the doorknob, twisting it before I had time to think of anything that could happen next.

 

The area in front of me was obviously the main room. It housed a kitchenette, a TV was mounted on a wall, and several couches. The far wall was… stunning. It was almost entirely glass, looking out upon the dazzling city and fellow towering skyscrapers. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to me that the condo was far from the ground, I was very wrong. The lights of the room were dim, the only source was from the kitchenette, a light beamed down on a granite bar. 

 

My eyes met Tsukishima’s. He stood across the room, a phone in one hand, pressed up against the side of his face. I imagine he had been looking out across the city, but now he faced me, his features tight. He seemed tired.

 

“Sorry, I’ll have to call you back.” His voice was soft, if even a bit hoarse, as he spoke the last words into his phone before tapping the screen and placing the phone in one of his back pockets. 

 

We eyed each other for a moment, before Tsukishima raised a hand, in his grip, he held a cigarette. He pressed it between his lips, taking a long inhale, as he dropped eye contact. He turned back around, facing the glass wall. A second passed, and I realized there was nothing stopping me from moving.

 

I found myself a few feet beside the man I had once loved, staring out at an all-too-familiar, yet somehow foreign city below. I felt the inevitable wave of nostalgia hit me. 

 

“You’re smoking again.” It was a statement. I wasn’t sure what I meant by it. So much was obvious, I just didn’t know where to start.

 

A few ticks of silence passed, and Tsukishima gave his answer out to the night sky. “Yeah, I didn’t mean to. I just… I slipped back into it.” His voice was quiet, low,  _ guarded. _

 

The silence resumed, joined only by a subtle tension in the air.

 

“What happened with you and Kuroo?” The question tore through the atmosphere.

 

It might’ve just been me, but I swear I saw Tsukishima tense up. I let my gaze swallow up every detail of his visage. His eyes were far off, like he was thinking for the right words, and his jaw was set as if he was angry.

 

“Never worked out. Didn’t last very long.” 

 

I felt a bitter smile come over me, and I, too, turned my gaze to the city below. It wasn’t just my smile that was bitter. I could feel my long-buried anger threatening to rise up inside of me.

 

“I guess it was worth throwing away our entire relationship.” I held back the venom from my voice, leaving my words to sink in themselves.

 

When Tsukishima didn’t reply, I couldn’t keep my cool. 

 

“I almost drank myself to death that night.”

 

The same stoic, unreadable expression stared out at the city. 

 

Unwillingly, an image from long ago was conjured. The bluish night sky had reflected on Tsukishima’s pale skin, turning him into itself, cigarette smoke lingering around him. His younger face held the same expression, but it was far from the  _ perfected  _ one he now wore. It was the night before he disappeared from my life for the first time. The only other difference now was that he didn’t have the decency to look me in the eye.

 

He didn’t even seem surprised. He didn’t even _ care. _ It made my blood boil. I balled my hands into fists at my side, soon they were shaking with rage.

 

“You just go quiet, you don’t even bother to look at me.” I hesitated, maybe I was waiting,  _ hoping, _ that he would do something. Nothing changed. “I can’t believe I used to actually love you,” I muttered it under my breath, though I was certain that it reached Tsukishima’s ears. 

 

I felt my voice betraying my emotions with each word as I continued. “It’s not just that either, it’s always all or nothing with you. I should’ve known from the moment you made out with that girl after disappearing for an  _ entire month. _ That was just the beginning. Every time you told me that you loved me, I thought you actually  _ meant  _ it.” I scoffed, feeling my calm rage soak into my words. “You’re despicable, you know? You could’ve just told me that you were with Kuroo. You could’ve just told me you didn’t want me. You could’ve at least acted sorry. And the best part? You couldn’t even manage to keep that relationship going!” A bitter laugh shook my being. “Now, you just act like you’re fine. You act like you’re just some kind, helpful person. People can’t change that much. Especially not you. You can pretend that you’re a good person, but I know that you’re nothing. You just get in the way. _ I would’ve been better off without you. _ ”

 

I directed my fury at the glass in front of me, but everything was silent. Maybe, I would regret every word I said. Maybe I would let go of my fists and turn to the man beside me, with tears in my eyes, and  _ beg  _ him to believe that I was sorry. Oh, that version of me died the minute Tsukishima refused to do the same to me, years ago.

 

I heard Tsukishima mumble something, and then he moved. For a second, I was frozen, listening to his footsteps leading away. Before I could even realize what I was doing, I twisted, grabbing Tsukishima by the wrist and shoving him face-first against the wall opposite to the glass. He struggled for a second, but my grip was steel. Hours spent at the gym weren’t spent lightly.

 

“You’re just going to leave? You won’t even say anything?” I spoke through gritted teeth.

 

Silence claimed the next few moments.

 

“I… I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Tsukishima’s voice was quiet, muffled against the wall.

 

I felt my grip loosen, albeit very slightly.

 

I heard Tsukishima clear his throat, before continuing. “I… I got into some shit in the first year of college. I made a few deals with the wrong people, that’s why I left you.”

 

I furrowed my brow.  _ What the hell kind of explanation is that? _

 

“What does this have to do with anything?” The tension in the air grew tighter. 

 

“I was an addict, Yamaguchi.” I could feel the venom back in his voice, it was full of shame and anger, yet I knew it wasn’t directed at me. I felt numb, my anger replaced with confusion. _ “What?” _

 

“I ran into some guys one night when I was at the bar. I-I… I said some stuff I shouldn’t have and they must’ve slipped something into my drink because before I knew it I was out in some alleyway and these guys were just  _ ruining  _ me…” He went silent for a few seconds, breathing heavily. “I was dazed a-and it didn’t even hurt. They took everything I had, my phone, my wallet, my keys. I was just lying in the alleyway, my nose probably broken, fuck, I don’t even know. I can’t remember. I couldn’t feel any of it. I just, I just felt tired, and warm. Hell, I couldn’t even remember what I had been worried about. I couldn’t remember the reason I spent nights drinking. It was the first time I felt relaxed in a long time.”

 

I was just as breathless as he was, my brain reeling with everything. I couldn’t process anything, only managing to respond like a broken record.  _ How the hell had he avoided telling me this?  _

 

_ “What?” _

 

“It was you. _ It was always you.” _ He said every work carefully, and his body was racked with sobs. I let my grip go slack, taking a step back as well.

 

“I’m supposed to be the stoic asshole, right? I can’t ever feel anything, right?” His voice bordered on hysterics. “God, everything was gray. Everything was in perfect monotone. Except every goddamn time I looked at you. You were everything I wanted. You were my light. I know I don’t deserve you, and I knew I didn’t then. I just wanted to forget.  _ I want to be who I need to be.” _

 

“Tsukis-”

“No.”

 

Tsukishima was still pressing his weight against the wall, his face hidden. The city lights gleamed in from behind us, oblivious to what was happening.

 

“I decided to stay away from you. I-I thought I would be fine. I wouldn’t take drugs, or whatever those kids back at the bar gave me, even though I craved it with every fibre of my being. I just couldn’t. I came back. I didn’t even last a month. I couldn’t even stay out of your life for a  _ month _ .” Another sob shook through his entire body. I stood, frozen, unable to move. I could’ve sworn I heard a choked  _ ‘how pathetic.’ _

 

“I came back and somehow, you loved me. I felt high. I was so alive, so happy--” His voice caught in his throat. “I knew the fall would come. I knew the darkness would come back. I was happy with you, and Kuroo came and I thought that maybe I didn’t need the fall. I thought maybe I could just stay happy forever.

 

“Oh, how I am an idiot. I messed up, I messed up so badly. I didn’t even know I had fallen  until I was lying on the living room floor, curled into a ball and hating myself. Yes, I know I’m useless. I should’ve just stayed out of your life. I pushed you away and I thought it was for the best until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to see your face, I needed--” Another sob. It was like he was talking in another language, I barely managed to fully comprehend what was going on.

 

Then a brief silence, followed by a soft, broken voice, like that of an abused child.

 

“I had so many sleepless nights, just driving. Trying to run away from everything I feIt, trying to run away from my past. I would try to hold a job, but I-I just  _ couldn’t _ . I just felt so guilty, so worthless, so  _ tired.  _ I couldn’t even stand doing things I used to love. God, all I can do without messing things up is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.” The sobs had stopped, but I knew all too well that tears would be streaming down his pale cheeks.

 

“I found out what the drug was they gave me that night. Ketamine. I couldn’t stop myself. I could make money off it, but that was  _ nothing _ . It… It helped me to forget about everything that plagued me. It helped me forget about  _ you. _ ”

 

I was dazed, my body moving on it’s own. I took a tentative step forward, reaching to place my hand on his shoulder, to reassure him, to help with this burden I never knew existed, to do  _ anything. _

 

“I’m so--”

 

_ “Don’t touch me.” _ Tsukishima turned in a blur, slapping my hand away. His voice was a growl, and his matted hair covering his face erratically.

 

We stood for a moment, looking at each other, gazes locked. His wild eyes stared into mine, and I peered back.

 

“I need some air.” The moment passed. Tsukishima turned, and suddenly he was out of the door to the apartment before I could even react.

 

\-----

 

I felt like I was choking. I was so numb, so empty, and all I could feel was my troubled breathing. I punched the button to the elevator, and immediately threw myself inside. 

 

I pressed my body to the back side of the elevator, tears that had previously streaming down my face had dried, along with any shred of anger that I had felt. 

 

Yamaguchi’s face, the shocked look on his face, the fear in his eyes, it was overwhelming, and every time I closed my eyes I saw it.

 

I tried to calm myself, to take deep breaths, but nothing changed. Nothing helped. 

 

Suddenly, the elevator pinged, and the doors opened. I found myself running to the doors, and then I was free. I could feel the cool air hit me. 

 

It was springtime. 

 

The tears threatened to return.

 

I took a few stumbled steps forward, nearly tripping when I went over the curb, but not caring at all. 

 

I ran a shaking hand over my face, whether it was to wipe away tears, or to push away my mess of blond hair was past what I was capable of processing at the moment. 

 

I fumbled in my jacket pockets, trying to find  _ something, _ something to let me forget, something to _ set me free. _

 

I didn’t even notice the set of lights barreling towards me at faster speed than what possibly could’ve been considered illegal.

 

I didn’t heard anything, not the screech of tires as they tried to break, not the scream, not the calling of my name. Not the sound of sirens approaching, not the hoarse voice calling  _ “Tsukki.” _

 

Everything just seemed to fade away.

 

I was finally free.

  
  


_ Was this really what I wanted? _

 

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

 

Wind whipped mercilessly on the top of the mountain. The sky was a desolate gray, the clouds above saturated with water.    
  
A thin mist stretched out, enveloping the scenery.   
  
It was a cold, dreary day.   
  
Yamaguchi Tadashi stood next to a small pillar, cloaked in a leather jacket that didn’t seem to fit quite right. The pillar. A grave. It was no taller than five feet, but it held so much.   
  
It was not a high mountain, but one filled with memories. Sakura trees, blossoms long since faded away, reached overhead. If he spared a glance away from the pillar, he would see the ocean. It had once gleamed a beautiful cerulean blue, made only more beautiful with the sakura pink backdrop.   
  
Beauty never seemed to last, did it?    
  
Nothing perfect could ever last.   
  
That was something Yamaguchi knew all too well.    
  
The city was far over the horizon. All that accompanied the man was the churning sea below him, and the whispering trees around him. Despite a gravel road leading up the several hundred foot mountain, a car was parked at the base. A set of footprints littered the rocky foot path instead.   
  
Yamaguchi stood solemnly. It was like a vigil.   
  
There was not another soul in sight.   
  
His arms hung loosely at his sides, yet his hands tightened into fists. What was there to swing at? His head was bowed, once again shaggy hair waved gently in the breeze.   
  
He was older now.   
  
It was easy to remember moving into his first college apartment. Just him, and his best friend.    
  
Then, just him.   
  
Next, it wasn't just him and a friend.   
  
It had been fingers interlaced; it had been hurried kisses before leaving for classes; it had been warm smiles upon seeing each other for the first time in days; it had been waking up next to the one he loved most. It had been everything he had wanted.   
  
Afterwards, it was nights spent at bars, then long shifts and laughing with friends. It was moments of silence when he turned to his side to see if someone who wasn't there had laughed at his joke. It was waking up in a cold bed. It was whiskey burning his throat as he wondered why the hell he wasn't worth it.   
  
Life went on.   
  
For some, at least.   
  
Oh, how Yamaguchi had been a fool.   
  
Oh, how he had believed life would just go on without a hitch.   
  
He reached out a fist, as if he was going to smash the pillar in front of him. His fingers loosened at the last second,  he placed them gently along the smooth marble of the pillar.   
  
He slid his fingers over the grooves, the engravings of the rock. His touch remained for several seconds, before his arm went slack.    
  
He raised his head, looking at the sky.   
  
Perhaps, it was the mist. Perhaps it was a spray of water from the sea.   
  
Tears streaked down his cheeks, and there was no one to wipe them away.   
  
He felt numb,  _ so impossibly numb. _

 

The world was gray.    
  
It reminded Yamaguchi of smoke. Everything was either petrified, or already fading away like the smoke he had dubbed it.    
  
With misty eyes, he stared into the clouds, looking for something.  _ Anything. _   
  
Deep inside, he knew there was nothing.   
  
He knew it was his fault.    
  
The wind settled, and all was silent. The only noise was the crashing of far-off  waves. A sound of grit underfoot broke the silence as Yamaguchi Tadashi turned away. He turned away from the possibility of  _ what could've been. _

  
He took in a strangled breath, which was choked by a sob. One step at a time, he walked away from the grave marked  _ Tsukishima Kei. _   
  


  
  


**_The End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading. Expect more fics soon (possibly wtnv, iwaoi, or more tsukkiyama), and leave any thoughts in the comments, or on my instagram, @riverstiel.
> 
> That is all. Good night, my dear readers.
> 
> -pain and suffering™

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to check it out, this story's name is from "For The Team" by Prelow.  
> Here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYqdR0PCE90
> 
> [instagram](instagram.com/wormliness) | [tumblr](wormliness.tumblr.com)


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